Not worth reading

Seriously, not worth it

I just have to put down a couple thoughts about who has a lust for life and who doesn’t

I’m reading “Minor Characters” now, by Joyce Johnson – one-time gf of Jack Kerouac

She writes about being fascinated by bohemianism at an early age

Like most outsiders, they have a lust for life that they don’t think others have

Maybe they’re right

Jack wrote that the only ones for him were “the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk…”

Part of this might have been that these are often qualities you find in people who are drunk and high

Things that Jack also enjoyed

I think about the young people in New York hanging around Greenwich Village, excited to be in the crowd

Even if they didn’t understand at the time that their dislike for the mainstream was mainstream thinking in their small world

We all find our people and have a hard time understanding everybody else

But her book gives a nice description of being young, not just in the 50s but in general

Even though lots of these hip cats are gloomy and angry, there’s a spark of life in the way they dress and present themselves

I see the lust for life in their need to show people how much the world is boring them

They’re communicating with tattoos and cool hats

They don’t hate life and people, they just want more

More life – good and bad, more people, more feeling

I understand this because I grew up in a small town where I was constantly looking for people and things to do

But rarely ever finding anything

But before I waste too much time here I’ll summarize

The ones who are mad, mad to live, mad to talk…

Are seen as kooks by the ones who like to go home after work and make food and watch tv

I don’t know who’s right

I don’t believe in killing  yourself early, like Jack and Neal

But I also don’t believe in killing yourself slowly, suburban-style, with over-eating and sloth

One last thought

There is a really old lady who begs down on the street

I can see her from my balcony – I took this photo of her

For some reason I think she must still have some lust for life

She’s out there everyday leaning against the wall behind her walker

Everyone gives her money and talks to her

It seems tragic that this old lady is out there begging

I don’t know her story yet

But she still wants something out of life

Whatever she’s getting with the money

I’m sure she could go into some sort of facility and not have to worry about money

But she’s still fighting, even if it is on the streets

The week

This week was rough but I made it through

Friday night now, back from drinks and doughnuts in Old Town

Earlier today “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” kept running through my head

I knew eventually it would

But bad weeks are never a total loss

I finished a book by Kinky Friedman – “Jesus, Coca Cola, and Elvis”

I love finishing books and picking out a new one.

Slept a lot, made progress on freelance work

Found a video on youtube of Marvin Gaye singing “Ain’t That Peculiar” acapella

How can someone sing so good?

He was a tortured genius

Another youtube discovery:

The end of “The Way We Were” with Bob Redford and Barb Streisand

Streisand proving that unattractive people can be beautiful

Actually I think that the young Babs was very attractive

Good skin tone and cheek bones, killer eyes

Redford is the Man

But now it’s getting late

Can’t remember any other good things from week

Weekend will be solo

No people, no KB

Much work, work, work

First sleep 

Now sleep

Maybe I’ll start writing like this

I’m not cool and I know that. That’s why I’m not ashamed to tell you that over the years, like a schoolgirl, I’ve kept some journals. Many years ago I started writing like Bukowski would write a poem, only not as good. Maybe it was because I thought he could put down so much by limiting himself to short lines on a page or two. So, for example, when I moved to Seattle I wrote:

4-19-01

Drinking beer on a Thurs. night

Just started a new job

In a new town

Got no place to live

Staying in some guys basement

So I went to work

Then drove around

Hoping to see a For Rent sign

Got some beer at Safeway

Came here to sit in front of the tv

Watch baseball results of the day

And feel safe

For now

So that’s how I’d write everything and now if I read them it’s a little more entertaining and somehow contains more meaning. I generally ramble on too much anyway so maybe I’ll occasionally blog in this style. I’ll start now. Similar theme to above post. 

“Another new job”

08-15-10

The towns get better

I’m more relaxed with new beginnings

I’ve had a lot of practice

Portland now

Sunny, hot summer days

Cool mornings and nights

Had to buy a coat on cold walk to work last week

After over year without a job I started to worry about things less

Life usually works opposite of how you think it should

So now I’m coasting for a while 

No direction other than just not becoming homeless

KB and I get together on weekends, here or in Seattle

Take the train

Going to sleep soon but I don’t have to work until 11:00

I’ll read Kinky Friedman till I get sleepy

Tomorrow I’ll do another day

A path will emerge soon

Portland is great

PDX

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything here. My daily page views are down to zero. Nowhere to go but up. So let me throw out the latest news from Portland. I’ve started my job, and almost finished my first painting, which I’ll post soon. Work is ok. Newspapers and all offices are pretty much the same. The city of Portland is great. Lots of old brick buildings with fading ghost signs. I don’t know anybody here yet though so when KB isn’t visiting I’m on my own.

Yesterday I wandered around town a lot but the highlight of my day was watching the final episodes of Six Feet Under. I’d stopped watching that show for some reason so it was great to get back into it. I like the theme of real death. Anything real is an unexplored genre in tv and movies but writing shows around the theme of ordinary deaths and how people deal with that is interesting. Even when a pet dies your eyes are opened for a while to what is really important in life. When someone dies your world is instantly different in a way that you don’t want. When I lost my lost my last job my world changed but I didn’t want it back. I wanted the change and looked forward to each new day. When my dog died I wanted to turn back time and have him with me. But as the show says, I think, “everyone, everything, everywhere … ends” So that’s a kind of depressing thought but I like how it points out that we shouldn’t be afraid of anything because we’re only here a while. Then, we and all of our people come to an end. There’s much to think about there but mostly it gives me hope. As long as we haven’t come to an end we can still fight everyday. 

So I’ll file this under “Ramblings”. I just wanted to blog today because its Sunday and I’m taking a break from painting and drinking yet another cup of coffee, watching the beautiful people of Portland stroll by. I’ll stop rambling now and throw a random photo or something up with this post.

Portland

First of all, I’m moving to Portland. Here’s a blurry photo of me with my building in the background. It’s in the Pearl District, the Brewery Blocks. Very cool. But moving for the 3rd time in one year is getting old. I’ve been going through my stuff and throwing things out. I’ve sold almost all of my books and threw out piles of old sketches and bad illustrations. This time I’m making deep cuts and realizing how unimportant stuff is. I’m done with the American Dream. I want to live more efficiently and live in a busy city where all my needs are met without me having to possess everything myself. I want to sell my car and use public transportation. I want to sit in a public park instead of my backyard. I want to read books and magazines in the library or Powell’s books instead of keeping my own collection. It’s too much hassle to keep these things around. 

Hopefully soon I’ll be getting back to painting. I’ll have a job and health insurance and less to worry about. Most of the stuff I’m bringing to Portland is art related. My easel and drafting table will make up most of the furniture. After looking over all that old work and throwing most of it out I’m ready to get back to it and not make any of the mistakes of the past. I think this blog was supposed to be about art. I’ll get back to that soon.

 

Another (unfinished) homepage idea

 

So I just finished a weekend of working on my site and I feel like I’ve been training for a marathon. I’m all beat up. I had my ups and downs. It was a nice weekend weather-wise and I did get to walk around in the sun and went for a bike ride, but most of the time I was putting out fire after fire that kept flaming up just as I thought I was nearing a satisfactory finish. I have something up now that is good enough but I’ll use the next two nights before the final class trying to fix some sloppy parts. I feel good that this project is almost over and I can move on to something bigger and better. I’m going to do another site right away because I have some things to build on.  Can’t get lazy now. Next up though I’m moving to Portland. A couple months ago my days were much more laid back, now I’m doing a million things and haven’t had any time to paint. Taking a break is helpful sometimes. It’s been good working on that site and learning new things. 

Once observation I made while working on that site is that I’ve done a ton of illustrations in my day. I put over 60 illustrations on the site and that was just stuff I had readily available on my computer. I have stacks and stacks of illustrations. This is quite an accomplishment because illustration has never been my primary job. Most illustrations are a knockdown drag-out battle just to get through all the editors and art directors and non-creative decision makers. It’s a hard road to travel so I’ve made myself useful in other ways like information graphics and now web design. One day I’m hoping to settle into some sustainable niche in the art world. In the meantime I’ll be in Portland eating Voodoo doughnuts and jogging them off along that river. Right now I’m real tired and ready for sleep. I think all this work is making me boring and loopy so hopefully my next posts will be more exciting.

www.dbadders.com

Unused homepage idea

I’m about to spend the weekend finishing up my website for the Dreamweaver class I’ve been taking. Gary Kelly once said he’d never enter the dark side, referring to using the computer to make his illustrations. He’s old enough and successful enough to say and think such things but most of us don’t have his kind of focus. There was a day when I fought against the digital future but now I’m running to catch up with things. It’s not so bad though, kind of like learning a new language. Once upon a time I lived in Spain for a couple summers and as Spanish became more clear to me I was real excited to be understanding the sounds that used to seem so foreign. Now I’m slowing starting to understand some of the terms nerds have been tossing around all these years. The way I see it, knowledge is power and I’m adding to my toolbox. My primary goal is still to be an artist using traditional materials but artists need to understand the world they’re living in, or at least observe things and try to understand.

Cyrus and a few other things

My thoughtful and sweet ladyfriend got tickets for us to see the movie Cyrus last night. It was a part of the Seattle Intl. Film Festival (SIFF) but it was kind of a big deal. Usually when I think of SIFF I think short lines and small theaters. This movie had some big stars, Marissa Tomei, John C Reilly, Johah Hill… and there was a looong line waiting to get in. I’ve stood in lines for movies many times but it’s never been my idea. Usually if I see a line for something I want to be a part of I change my mind and find something else to do. For movies though I’m usually a part of a group and have to stay. It always seems crazy to me though, to be standing in line for something that there is no shortage of and that will be available for a long time to come. When I see people lined up outside the Mac store to buy the latest gadget I’m amazed. As consumers, we collectively have no patience. When I stand in line for movies with all the overly excited people I wonder how they can be so starved for entertainment. For one thing, movies are often disappointing. Even when the movie gets a bad review in the paper the morning of it’s opening people are still standing in line all abuzz and talking in depth about the film. One level of depth should be what the reviewers are saying. I listen to reviewers and if they tell me to avoid a movie I do it – unless it’s a comedy, in which case I wait until a few of my friends have seen it and recommend it. 

Which leads me to my next mini-rant. I don’t listen to reviews on comedies because reviewers seem to think movies are some intellectually deep topic. They aren’t. They’re cheap, quick entertainment. The makers of movies have to filter the script through all the business-types who tailor it to bring in the biggest audience possible. This removes most depth and leaves very little to talk about after the closing credits. Usually when I go see some movie that reviewers claim has some depth I walk out scratching my head. I just want movies to be entertaining and I’ll leave the depth to work being done by individual writers and artists. 

So, to sum up, I liked Cyrus. Loved the cast. There were a few lines that had me laughing out loud. I didn’t learn anything about life and I didn’t walk away pondering anything. Occasionally I’d remember a funny line and smile. That’s the best a movie can do. But let’s not forget about all the other possibilities for entertainment in our free time. Seattle has no end of options with concerts, art shows, theater… With all the movie options on the internet and cable tv I’m amazed at how crazed people get to see a new movie. If we wanted we could spend every day watching good movies and tv shows. There’s Hulu and Netflix and classic movie channels that play the tried and true movie classics. Instead we line up to see the latest superhero movie that rottentomatoes tells us will suck if we choose to pay and sit through it. Let’s use a few of our dollars to go old school and see some live music with live people interacting with one another. That’s where you’ll find the meaning of life. Listen to Mr. Sunshine and you too can learn to live and be happy.

Howling at the walls

I met someone today who said she can’t really say anything on Facebook anymore. She uses it for work so she can’t say anything too personal or controversial. I get that. When you first get on such a site you just have a few close friends and you say kooky little things. Then your relatives friend you, and coworkers and people from the past, and you have to start watching what you say. I do. That’s why now I’m like Bukowski, sitting at the typer, rambling on to nobody. Father MacKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear. Don’t worry, I’m not lonely though. On WordPress you can check your blog stats and a couple days ago I had ten views to this fascinating blog. Most days I get between 0 and 4 views, probably mostly my ladyfriend. Hi KB! But let’s just wrap this up. Like most bloggers I don’t have much of a point here – just that social media is turning out to be a place where you don’t want to get too social. Like Bukowski I’ll just type away assuming nobody is listening. If you are, know that I may just be howling at the walls.

March of the Penguins

A Friday night of culture. Jazz Alley, some lady who sounds like Billie Holiday, don’t know her name. She was awesome though. KB is a big fan and she was excited to see her. On the way we walked through my old neighborhood and she squeezed my arm extra tight when we passed a group of crackheads who always sit in front of an empty storefront. At the club we were back in civilization with all the well-dressed jazz fans. This isn’t the jazz of the past with hip cats in suits and fedoras, smoking the marijuana cigarettes. Rather, it looked like mostly older folks with good jobs. Microsoft/Boeing types. Not stylish but not sloppy and cheap. The show was good and I had decided to knock a couple back. I don’t drink much these days but I felt like it was a martini night, Sinatra-style. Why martinis cost $9.50 I have no idea but I like a glass of vodka or gin with nothing else in it, not even Vermouth. Its the most booze one can order in one glass so that’s my drink. Service was horrible and my first round had olives in it which I distinctly asked not to have because they just take up room reserved for booze. He got the second round right and I sipped the icy vodka and watched the drunk girl at a nearby table being a pest to everyone around her. Then the lady at the table next to ours gets up and trips for some reason, drunk or high heeled, and grabs our table sending over half of that delicious glass of vodka all over the table and on my lap. Then she grabs her shoe that fell off and ran away embarrassed. Never came back. Her date asked if our drinks spilled on us, and KB said they did, but he failed to order another round. So after the show I was unable to stumble and trip like all the ladies around us because I was still sober, in spite of a nice bar bill. 

Am I complaining too much? I’m not finished yet. Let Mr. Sunshine creep to the mic… like a phantom. (That’s from a song for those of you who missed the 90s). That lady never came back so I comforted myself with the thought of her being taken away in a meat wagon with a sprained ankle. Walking home on First Ave. we got caught up with all the club kids. Usually they’re all dressed up with the fellas fresh from the barber shop and the ladies fly from the beauty salon but tonight they were all hammered and using the sailor talk and spitting on the sidewalk. In front of us were a pack of gangbangers with the baggy pants. Because the crotch of the pants were at the knees they were all walking like penguins. These tough guys got all dolled up in their dope dungarees and Starter caps, and rolled out on First Ave. ready to impress. What they didn’t know, and I assume still don’t know, is that when they walk using only the bottom half of their legs they have to waddle. When they’re in a group and they’re all waddling they look like those penguins in that movie. Stupid. 

So there it is. Old man Badders, Mr. Sunshine, has purged his venom for tonight. I wish we fellas still dressed like Dean Martin and when our drunk dates get up from the table we offer them an arm to lean on. Out on the street we show good manners and walk with a dignified gait. Simple.